We’re all familiar with the basic pattern of the dating game. There are various stages involved in the race to get to that elusive finish line called ‘coupledom’. Most of us are painfully aware that it can be a harsh, cruel world out there if you’re on the pull, so we thought we’d take a lighter look at all those spokes in the vicious dating cycle.

Step 1: Sad Loner
The term ‘desperate and dateless’ comes to mind as well. You spend your nights trawling Gaydar with a tub of icecream next to you and your friends are always trying to ‘fix you up’ with people who they have obviously already deemed to be not good enough for them. Who needs it?

Step 2: Cyber Stalker
So you’ve found someone to fixate on; someone who’s worthy of your attention and interest – only they don’t know that yet! With the internet revolutionising social networking these days, stalking has become a more accessible pastime in which to indulge. There’s no harm in checking out your crush’s profile and photos once or twice…. or more.

Step 3: Coffee Date
Your stalking has paid off; that carefully crafted yet nonchalant sounding message you sent them, or that ‘chance’ meeting at the bar they always go to, has resulted in a ‘catch up for a coffee’. Your outfit, just like the message, should be deceptively cool and casual, your banter must be witty and non-committal and before you leave, you must have laid the groundwork of a second meeting. Phew, it’s a lot to think about over a simple coffee.

Step 4: One Night Stand
Okay, so the coffee date has gone a little too well; the cappuccino has been swapped for champagne and the café for a bar. It’s hard to resist the urge to run right home and shag when the attraction – or just the alcohol – is there. We’re all human. But who can deny the risk involved with a one night stand that it will be exactly that - wham-bam-thank you ma’am. Be prepared to go back to step one as you do the walk o’ shame.

Step 5: Cinema Date
Whether you’ve already shagged or not, passing the coffee date means you graduate to seeing a movie together. Easy and breezy is the key here – you’ll sit through anything even though you’re fighting back the urge to tell them that their taste in movies sucks. It's also a great chance to get a tad romantic and hold hands in the dark - just don't let your hands wander anywhere else, this is a classy date!

Step 6: Pub With Friends
Just sitting there in the dark, not having to say anything, on the cinema date now seems like the easiest thing in the world compared to this next big step where you actually have to do and say things – and in front of an audience, no less! If it’s your friends, just be careful they don’t start talking about that ‘hilarious’ time you had too many tequila shots at G-A-Y, swung your shirt over your head and passed out in a pool of your own vomit. Which also brings me to the lesson of the pub with friends step – whether it’s your friends or theirs, try not to get to the ‘I’m-so-drunk-I-can’t-feel-my-legs’ stage.

Step 8: Mini Break
This is a big deal because you’ve actually made a commitment to spend a prolonged amount of time together, by choice, with no escape route. At least discuss the types of activities you’ll want to do together before you put a whole flight route between you and home. If one of you expects to go hiking while the other’s idea of any sort of exercise is lifting their martini glass, then it may not just be the country you’re saying au revoir to.

Step 9: Meet The Parents
This can notoriously be an ordeal – Ben Stiller even made not one, but two, movies about it. Charm, charm, charm, you have to remember the restraint you showed back at the beginning of that coffee date. But it’s not all bad; charm the parents enough – or give them enough alcohol – and they may just tell you an embarrassing secret story or two about your partner.

Step 10: Joint Party
You’ve decided to play co-hosts, meaning it's not just your head on the chopping block here, as it has felt for the earlier steps. You are both consciously setting yourselves up to be judged as a couple in your ability to put on a good show, and you may have already moved in together as well, meaning joint home décor decisions will also be scrutinised by your guests. At the party don’t be the one to drink the most – if the party’s a disaster, you’ll be the one blamed for it.

Step 11: Civil Partnership
You’ve reached the homestretch to the finish line – the walk down the aisle. It may have felt like a marathon, or just a short sprint, and some of us get there, while a lot of us don’t. But no matter where you are in the dating cycle, just make sure it’s always a damn good ride!


Want more? Buy Dave Singleton's The Mandates: 25 Real Rules for Successful Gay Dating or Gina Daggett and Kathy Belge's Lipstick and Dipstick's Essential Guide to Lesbian Relationships online now. You'll save some money to put towards Nicola Hill's Very Pink Wedding if your dating cycle ends in a civil partnership!